istanbul 04

istanbul/ 0.4

[Notes from Istanbul trip, Dec 25-28]

A resounding *thwack*, followed by a gasp and a muffled yelp that

mercifully doesn't really find a voice. That, my friend, is the sound

of one hand clapping - very hard and insistent against my bare back.

No visit to Istanbul is complete without a visit to a public Hamami,

or Bath. We do precisely that, and find ourselves at the entrance to

the �emberlitas Hamami. Commissioned and built in 1584, it is

considered a great example of 16th century Ottoman architecture. I go

over the Hamam options at the reception and opt for this: Turkish Bath

(unlimited time), Body scrub, Turkish style soap massage (15 minutes)

- all for 29 Turkish Liras. Answers to thorny existential questions

like the one above - free.

After changing into a pestemal (towel) and depositing all my

belongings in the locker room on the first floor, I am asked to go

downstairs again - past the lobby/ waiting area - where people who

have already had a bath are relaxing over glasses of freshly squeezed

Orange Juice. Fully clothed, I might add. This is a tad intimidating,

and something that I was clearly not expecting. I quicken my pace and

step into the Men's area. When I show my token, I am ushered into the

inner room, which is the Sauna. I am requested to go and lie on the

marble platform in the center of the room by one of the passing

Masseuse/Bath attendant. I pick my way through the mass of male bodies

lying there, most of them with their eyes closed, and find a spot for

myself. The marble is heated! It's like I died and went to heaven. I

lie down, close my eyes, and let the steam do its magic, which is to

slowly transform my body into silly putty. Unsure of the protocol, I

put on my glasses every now and then (which is a pain, because it

keeps fogging up), and look around. The room is fairly large, and

circular in shape. There is a dome on the upper reaches of the rather

high ceiling, with openings that let in shafts of light. The

circumference of the sauna is all offset with individual bathing

areas. The central platform that I am lying on, along with maybe a

dozen other people, is set in a circle also. All very decadent and

Roman. The place hasn't changed much since the 16th century; the token

nod to modernity is the large electronic clock that is hung right

above the entrance.

After maybe 15 minutes, a masseuse beckons me from the edge of the

platform. A word about the attendants and masseuses - they do not

speak a word of English. But as I quickly realize, they need to only

equip themselves with the vocabulary that one needs to train a puppy -

Sit. Stand. Roll over. After pouring a bucket of hot water over me

(more like throwing actually, in the manner of cleaning farm animals),

he asks me to lie down. He takes this strange looking loofah-like

contraption made of thin cloth, dips it in a bucket full of soap

water, and dabs it all over me. He makes me turn around, lie face

down, and repeats the process. I am one big blob of foam and bubbles.

I roll over again, and this time, he puts on abrasive cloth scrubs on

his hands and proceeds to clean me thoroughly (no face and private

parts, thank you. In any case, you have a towel around you at all

times). After splashing buckets of warm water on me again, he

gleefully displays the scrub, which is now coated with a layer of

dirt.

Next comes the massage part of the bath package. The masseuse proceeds

to acquaint himself with every bone in my body - and some that I did

not even know existed. He lulls me into a sense of complacency by

slowly massaging my right arm, then yanking it all the way to the

left. Ouch. Ditto with the left arm. This is what life in Abu Gharib

must be like, I think to myself. Without the loofah and the heated

marble platform, of course. After some more massaging, I escape from

his clutches and go lie down on the marble floor again. To recover

from the massage, I go to the private bath area, have a bath again and

head out to the ante-room. There's a guy handing out warm Turkish

towels - 3 per person actually - one to tie around the waist, one for

the head and one for the upper body. I am sent out, again via the

lobby, and I limp my way back to the locker room on the first floor.

The whole process took me about an hour.

After changing, I head down to the lobby, order some OJ, and find a

place to sit. I sip my juice, and proceed to kill some time by

smirking at clueless tourists who come down from the first floor with

the deer-caught-in-headlights look.

More Info: the �emberlitas Hamami is conveniently located right

opposite the �emberlitas metro stop. They are open from 6AM through

midnight, so if you are in town, you have no excuse not to visit.

Separate areas for women and men. Visit www.cemberlitashamami.com.tr